Music

So today I want to share a bit about how much music means to me, and how it helps me through times of depression.

People who know me personally probably hate that I love music so much. I do not have any musical talent at all, I can not sing well nor play any instrument.  I chose to word that carefully and not say "I do not have a musical bone in my body" because that would be a lie.  Music hits me to the core.  I think because I struggle with BPD and happen to be an emotional person that I can relate to most anything I hear.  When I hear a song either for the first time or the thousandth time I not only hear what the artist is saying but, it becomes a very real emotion for me.  I literally feel the music inside of me although you can not tell by the way I dance.

Mumford and Sons have become my favorite band as of last September-ish.  Marcus Mumford, The lead singer, for those unfamiliar, does more than just sing.  He doesnt only sing with those kick ass "rough" vocals that most people hear, he sings from the heart.  You can honestly hear the emotion in his voice and for me I can feel this.  I had the pleasure to see them live in concert on February 14th, 2013, which was AMAZING, and during half the songs they played I would catch myself tearing up, every time I started to cry I would look up to the "mega tron" to see that Marcus was crying himself.  Reflecting back on this, this was truly amazing to me and opened my eyes to how much I actually "feel the music" so to speak.  The craziest part is during these songs that he cried in you would not know it by listening to it, never once did his voice break nor was there any other clue to him being emotional.  Also I would watch the stage not looking at the big screen where I could actually see faces until after I began to tear up so I didnt see him crying and decide to join.  You can see for yourself if you Youtube that performance.

That was just and example of one band that I could explain easily.  This happens with most all music genres and artist.  Another example, My sister Elizabeth and I were on the way to Potsdam, NY and she puts in a CD wanting me to hear a song, "The Best Deceptions", by: Dashboard Confessional.  I had never heard of the band nor had I ever heard any of their music before, however half way through the song she looks over at me and realizes that, Although a good song, it was making me very "down" so she cuts it off.  I do not know the name of the singer for this group but within the first minute of the song I was in his place, feeling the pain that he was describing and at the time I could not handle it.  To yall it may sound stupid because it was a song that I had no ties to.  It was not a "couples song" from a past relationship, It was not a song I played on repeat for a month to help morn the lost of a loved one, I had NO ties to it, It was brand new to me but yet I still could not listen to it in the mood I was in because all the sudden I was feeling his pain.

Now that I have done my best to explain how I feel music I will get to how it helps me.  If I am in a depressed state, depending on the situation or how I feel like I may need to handle things I began to flip through my Ipod.  Sometimes I know exactly what song I want to hear and others I just put it on shuffle and continue to hit the next button until something strikes my fancy.  Now, this is where it gets tricky.  Sometimes when I am depressed I need to hear uplifting music, mostly something spiritual like, Ray Bolts, Casting Crowns, Michael W Smith, etc... Something that re-insures my faith and reminds me to turn my faith to God.  Sometimes while down I need to hear angry music, Nothing crazy like heavy death metal but for example some of Mumford and Sons music you can hear anger in or anything along those lines, but this doesn't always help either.  Sometimes it helps by playing some depressing music, song that are really emotional for me, those ones that where "Our songs" with and ex, or ones that I played the same two songs over and over while morning the loss of a dear friend etc... This can help, most of the time in a really deep depression, just to go ahead and bring the emotions to the surface and let them out, have that "break down" that I have so badly needed for the past however long, Cry until I am gagging from drainage, or my eyes are swollen and I have a horrible headache, SOMETIMES this will snap me right out of whatever I am going through even though I generally try to avoid this.

But as music can greatly help me it can also hurt me and be a trigger sometimes if I am not careful.  This does not happen much but at times like that trip to NY with my sister it can.  That being said I will brave that risk any day because my love for music is way to strong and again it helps me 99% of the time.  With out being able to go hide in the truck and listen to music or drive to a pond in the middle of the night, look at the stars and listen to some great music.  Without that freedom I have no clue where I would be today!

Greatful

Its funny sometimes how things line up in life to ether work against you or for you.  For example I have had a fairly rough couple of weeks.  What started my "downward spiral" is irrelevant, however at the time this took place for the first week we had constant rain and if it wasnt rainy it was cloudy, so no sun.  As we all know a rainy or cloudy day can make for a "sad" day for anyone but it with what else I had going on it kick started a depression! I stayed strong not allowing myself to vent but so much and pushed through it.  I only had a couple close friends ask if I was ok because only they could tell i was a little off.  With that being said it is also funny to me how things can line up for the good. Over the weekend after being on a mental roller coaster for 2 weeks I had some close friends make sure they got me out of the house to shoot guns, and go out for dinner...etc... Some of my friends where in from out of town so that was a plus, the weather was nice, and it seemed like everywhere I went I was getting complements from all kinds of people about everything from my hair to my shirt or my personality, just anything really.  It all kinda felt staged like one of my friends must have been giving these random people $5 when I wasnt looking and telling them to "go tell that poor bastard something nice" hahaha Whatever was going on I needed it and ended up having a great weekend! So yes after things being so good for so long I had a "slump" however I did not lock myself away for days/weeks nor was it just out of the blue.  Anyone Bipolar or not would have struggled with my internal conflict at the time and recognizing that "my episode" was not far off the "norm" or my feelings where not but so exaggerated to make it much, if any worse than the feelings of a "normal person" and that I am grateful for!!!       

Staying Positive

So as you all know there are some scary things going on in this world and right here in our own country like the back to back mass murders and the hypocritical and selfish people running this country.  The media tends to highlight all of this therefor it is always in plain sight, every time the tv comes on or I get online to check my email it is all in plain view!  I try not to think about all of this to often because I catch myself grieving over people lost as well as the lost of the integrity of our nations "leaders"! I can work myself up straight into a depression that will last for days just by thinking of some of this.  The reason I bring this up is to say although there is so much evil that surrounds all of us everyday and especially considering that I allow myself to get so wound up about it I am doing really well! I FEEL GREAT! Of course I have my bad days but that is normal.  Recently I have kept a positive mind and when things have gone wrong or gotten a little rough, instead of letting them overwhelm me and drag me into depression I have been able to push through and continue to see what good I have going for me!  The things that have recently kept me going is my family, friends (one special one in particular ;-) ) my job, and simply the love for life that I have recently found again!

I want to brag a little!!!

So I originally made this blog to kind of give who ever read it an inside look into the scary life of dealing with BPD.  I did a poor job of keeping up with making current post so there isnt a lot of insight here, because I did not make this blog with intentions for people to feel sorry for me I did not make a lot of post!  But I am hoping to start a new chapter, I want to explain now on how beautiful life can be through someone who suffers from BPD! I am convinced that things in life, experiences, and emotions are way more vivid through my eyes then in most other peoples, the bad thing is, is that I am not poetic enough to truly explain my perception on things! 2012 has been the best year in 6-7 years, and not only the best but really the only good year out of the past at least 6-7 years.  I have been working on who I am as a person extremely hard and I am finally excited about the man I am becoming and this is what I want to start sharing!  

I have good news and bad news!

As usual I have not posted in FOREVER, however I feel like I have a couple of important things to talk about!

We will start on a good note.  Sunday November 4, 2012 at 11:03 am my sister Elizabeth gave birth to my new nephew Henry Allen Benfield. He was 6lb 14oz and 20" long.  I am very excited that her pregnancy is over and we now have a healthy baby boy to teach and guide through life. I can not wait to take him as well as my other nephew Vincent camping, fishing, hunting, get them a mini bike, tell them things I did wrong and my regrets so they can hopefully avoid some though times and also show them how to see the beauty that still exist in this ugly world, and most importantly teach them to be a Godly man although I need to work on this myself.  I know both my sisters and brother in laws will do a great job raising both their boys but I want to be just as good of an influence outside of the house as the examples they are being shown inside.  I have watched Vincent grow and develop a personality from his days of sitting in a bumbo seat looking like a bobble head doll and I am looking forward to watch Henry do the same and then continue to watch them develop into the awesome men I know they will become! We have many great times and adventures to come and I can not wait!

Now to talk about a scary subject.  Yesterday was election day for our country and Obama came out on top for another four year term.  To be honest this scare the shit out of me!!! Me being 24 and single and still at home, the next four years of my life are bound to be the biggest years of my life! Beings I want more from life than where I am at now sometime in the next four years I will most likely "fall in love", possibly become married, buy a house, start thinking of having a family, etc.... These are big steps in life and some huge decisions to be made and it terrifies me to think that if all this happens in the next four years that it will happen  under Obama.  If our country continues in this downward spiral not only will I not be able to take care of myself but there is no way I could ever buy a house or take care of a family.  I will be 28 before we have a new president and that is really scary! I guess I have to give it all to God and hope for the best.  My age group is a large contributor to putting Obama back into office and we are the ones who is going to suffer from it! Lord help America!

What is happining???

Over the last 2 months and even more this past month I have started to notice that I am having a very hard time speaking.  I seem to mumble and stutter a lot.  This is getting worse and worse on almost a daily basis.  Another big problem is I found myself repeating myself over and over in both actions but mostly in speech.  It takes me SOOO long to tell a story now because I continue to back track in my story and repeat parts that I have already told.  I also do this with my actions a lot too now,  I cant think of a good example right now but I will leterally do the same thing twice.  One other thing that I have found to be very noticable is my memory.  My memory seems to be getting worse on a daily basis.  It has gotten very bad recently!!!  I have no clue to what is responsible for this all I know is it sucks!

Christmas Spirit

I cant seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  I have been able to manage my episodes fairly well over the last couple of months, at least I am assuming, however BPD is a illness that comes in cycles and maybe I'm just now getting back into the depressive cycle! I don't know... Anyways since early last week I have been having MAJOR episodes!!! I hate this at any time but it is now Christmas time and I want more than anything to enjoy my time with my family and close friends.  I have shut myself off from pretty much everyone this week wanting to be alone more than anything, but at the same time where I really want to be is around the people I care about!  I am broke like a lot of people right now so I will not be giving any gifts and most likely will not be receiving many.  I do not care, as we all know, well should know, The true meaning of Christmas is not gifts, it is about something much larger!  I will not lie, I want many things for Christmas this year, more than any other year in my life but the things I want can not be bought at any store! 


This is suppose to be a happy time of year and thats what I want it to be, so when I look back and see my struggles from the past I try to stay positive as possible. This attitude reminds me of  a Counting Crows song: "A Long December" which is good at anytime of the year but seems to mean more around this time of year!  Every year for the last 4 or 5 years I have played the hell out of this song on the way to work or hunting or wherever I am going to remind me that the new year is right around the corner and JUST MAYBE it will be a new start or at least better than the last!


Everyone have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year! Spend time with your families, reach out to strangers, and never forget the TRUE meaning of Christmas! 


God Bless!