Today is a pretty good day so far even though I only slept for 45 min last night! I am able to still feel good with little sleep sometimes when, like today, I am on a "manic high"! Luckaly the lack of sleep is balancing out the mania and Im making good progress at work today with a farely clean mind, This part is unusual! THIS MORNING I AM FEELING GOOD, and yes, that is worth all caps!
To get back on the subject of no sleep, Unfortianitly, today is rare! Like all other people in the world I need sleep as well. There are many night thats I get very little sleep, if I had to say an average of hours of sleep I get a night I would say it would vary between 3 to 7 hours but like anybody else sometimes I am able to sleep in and then sometimes I will literally be awake all night. What matters the most is my mood more than anything, If I am on one of my highs then the lack of sleep isnt sooooo bad, however if im on a low then the next day is miserable as you would assume it to be!
I do not have a healthy sleeping pattern as you could assume by reading todays blog! I have been reading up on sleeping habbits lately to see what I might can try to help me out. I believe a half way regular sleeping pattern would greatly binifit me and how I feel and help balance my episodes out a bit!
Ok, before I log out today I feel that I need to brag a little about how good I feel this morning because although I do have days like this it will most likely be rare that you will read much about good days, only because I tend to write more on bad days, I guess as a venting method or something Im not sure!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
August 25, 2011
I haven't been blogging like I had originally planned but I am going to make a real effort to start making entries at least 3 times a weak!
As for now I will talk about a current situation that I am going through instead of some journal entries from the past.
Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and I went in thinking it would be like any other. I was wrong! I went in to speak to my doctor about my current medications that once again are doing nothing but making my situations, being physically or mentally, worse. He talked to me while flipping through 3 pages of past medications trying to see what else he might have up his sleeve for me. I was puzzled when he told me "Over the years I have great confidence in myself as a doctor, finding very few people I can not help, However I believe you are one of these few. I have no more meds to try. Your case is very complex and I want you to see another doctor for a second opinion." Then he went on to explain how he believes that I may actually have a combination of illnesses that work in unison. Or possibly something completely different all together! Immediately I felt as if I was kicked square in the nuts. All this time, all this fight, effort, losses, EVERYTHING no longer means anything but waisted time.
On top of this I have just stopped smoking. As any former smoker would know this is a huge challenge in it self, not to mention smoking was more to me than an addictive habit, it was a safety net so to speak. I could always rely on a good smoke to calm my nerves, even if it was only the slightest bit.
To go off subject before I log out for the day, I want to once again say the WHOLE reason for this blog is to share personal experiences, the stuff you cant find in books about BPD. I would also like to reinstate my purpose for sharing is because I want the world to know just like a race, background, or other medical problems BPD can not be help, and I am tired of the ignorance of stereotypes and social stigmas that make me a labeled man!!! DO NOT run from things you do not know about, learn about them, and then embrace what they can offer!
As for now I will talk about a current situation that I am going through instead of some journal entries from the past.
Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and I went in thinking it would be like any other. I was wrong! I went in to speak to my doctor about my current medications that once again are doing nothing but making my situations, being physically or mentally, worse. He talked to me while flipping through 3 pages of past medications trying to see what else he might have up his sleeve for me. I was puzzled when he told me "Over the years I have great confidence in myself as a doctor, finding very few people I can not help, However I believe you are one of these few. I have no more meds to try. Your case is very complex and I want you to see another doctor for a second opinion." Then he went on to explain how he believes that I may actually have a combination of illnesses that work in unison. Or possibly something completely different all together! Immediately I felt as if I was kicked square in the nuts. All this time, all this fight, effort, losses, EVERYTHING no longer means anything but waisted time.
On top of this I have just stopped smoking. As any former smoker would know this is a huge challenge in it self, not to mention smoking was more to me than an addictive habit, it was a safety net so to speak. I could always rely on a good smoke to calm my nerves, even if it was only the slightest bit.
To go off subject before I log out for the day, I want to once again say the WHOLE reason for this blog is to share personal experiences, the stuff you cant find in books about BPD. I would also like to reinstate my purpose for sharing is because I want the world to know just like a race, background, or other medical problems BPD can not be help, and I am tired of the ignorance of stereotypes and social stigmas that make me a labeled man!!! DO NOT run from things you do not know about, learn about them, and then embrace what they can offer!
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