Typical

So I'm not even going to make and excuse for not wrighting like I said I would. 

Today I am having the worst episode that I have in a few months.  I have recently been able to deal with a big portion of my depression which is amazing all in its own however today I am back in a dark place! 

I had a great night with a girl I really like, whether the feeling is mutural or not im not sure, however Im not going to let that stop me!  I have been held back from BPD from many things that I have wanted to accomplish in life and I have been trying to put a stop to that.  It seems that I use all my mental energy to fight this beast to the point where is gets in my way of applying my mind for needed or other useful things that I should be more focused on!  This bothers me and at the same time holds me back from what I want to accomplish in life and also what I am able to offer to other people whether it be family, friends, or a possible relationship! 

I wish it was easier for "normal people" (if there is such a thing) to understand!  I give this battle my all, everyday!  Whether I am having a good day or a bad, there is always a struggle to try to overcome. 

Im needing more out of life than what I am getting! We are not here long and I need to be able to enjoy it.  I am not happy fighting a loosing battle to find happiness, and I know it exist, I have felt it, I just cant hold on to it.

I know for those who read this, if anyone even does, probably think that I am an over dramatic person, but these are very real feelings or maybe the lack of. 

I feel as if I continue to dig myself in to the deepest darkest hole ever and I just want someone to drop in a rope ladder, its time to escape this hell and blend in with the rest of society.

People look at me in so many different judgemental ways when they really have no clue that anything is wrong, and if you try to show them it becomes a big joke or is pushed to the side like I am only begging for attention!  I can assure you that this is not the case! What I want more than anything is to be looked at like everyone else, maybe that was my fault for trying to let people in that had no buissness knowing anything to start with!  "Two people can keep a great secret if on of them is dead"  Maybe I need to take my problems to the grave! Its not anyone else's problem anyhow.  I DONT KNOW and no one understands!  IT DOESNT MATTER!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Im so tired of this!

Only time will tell what the future has in stock!