I cant seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I have been able to manage my episodes fairly well over the last couple of months, at least I am assuming, however BPD is a illness that comes in cycles and maybe I'm just now getting back into the depressive cycle! I don't know... Anyways since early last week I have been having MAJOR episodes!!! I hate this at any time but it is now Christmas time and I want more than anything to enjoy my time with my family and close friends. I have shut myself off from pretty much everyone this week wanting to be alone more than anything, but at the same time where I really want to be is around the people I care about! I am broke like a lot of people right now so I will not be giving any gifts and most likely will not be receiving many. I do not care, as we all know, well should know, The true meaning of Christmas is not gifts, it is about something much larger! I will not lie, I want many things for Christmas this year, more than any other year in my life but the things I want can not be bought at any store!
This is suppose to be a happy time of year and thats what I want it to be, so when I look back and see my struggles from the past I try to stay positive as possible. This attitude reminds me of a Counting Crows song: "A Long December" which is good at anytime of the year but seems to mean more around this time of year! Every year for the last 4 or 5 years I have played the hell out of this song on the way to work or hunting or wherever I am going to remind me that the new year is right around the corner and JUST MAYBE it will be a new start or at least better than the last!
Everyone have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year! Spend time with your families, reach out to strangers, and never forget the TRUE meaning of Christmas!
God Bless!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Typical
So I'm not even going to make and excuse for not wrighting like I said I would.
Today I am having the worst episode that I have in a few months. I have recently been able to deal with a big portion of my depression which is amazing all in its own however today I am back in a dark place!
I had a great night with a girl I really like, whether the feeling is mutural or not im not sure, however Im not going to let that stop me! I have been held back from BPD from many things that I have wanted to accomplish in life and I have been trying to put a stop to that. It seems that I use all my mental energy to fight this beast to the point where is gets in my way of applying my mind for needed or other useful things that I should be more focused on! This bothers me and at the same time holds me back from what I want to accomplish in life and also what I am able to offer to other people whether it be family, friends, or a possible relationship!
I wish it was easier for "normal people" (if there is such a thing) to understand! I give this battle my all, everyday! Whether I am having a good day or a bad, there is always a struggle to try to overcome.
Im needing more out of life than what I am getting! We are not here long and I need to be able to enjoy it. I am not happy fighting a loosing battle to find happiness, and I know it exist, I have felt it, I just cant hold on to it.
I know for those who read this, if anyone even does, probably think that I am an over dramatic person, but these are very real feelings or maybe the lack of.
I feel as if I continue to dig myself in to the deepest darkest hole ever and I just want someone to drop in a rope ladder, its time to escape this hell and blend in with the rest of society.
People look at me in so many different judgemental ways when they really have no clue that anything is wrong, and if you try to show them it becomes a big joke or is pushed to the side like I am only begging for attention! I can assure you that this is not the case! What I want more than anything is to be looked at like everyone else, maybe that was my fault for trying to let people in that had no buissness knowing anything to start with! "Two people can keep a great secret if on of them is dead" Maybe I need to take my problems to the grave! Its not anyone else's problem anyhow. I DONT KNOW and no one understands! IT DOESNT MATTER!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Im so tired of this!
Only time will tell what the future has in stock!
Today I am having the worst episode that I have in a few months. I have recently been able to deal with a big portion of my depression which is amazing all in its own however today I am back in a dark place!
I had a great night with a girl I really like, whether the feeling is mutural or not im not sure, however Im not going to let that stop me! I have been held back from BPD from many things that I have wanted to accomplish in life and I have been trying to put a stop to that. It seems that I use all my mental energy to fight this beast to the point where is gets in my way of applying my mind for needed or other useful things that I should be more focused on! This bothers me and at the same time holds me back from what I want to accomplish in life and also what I am able to offer to other people whether it be family, friends, or a possible relationship!
I wish it was easier for "normal people" (if there is such a thing) to understand! I give this battle my all, everyday! Whether I am having a good day or a bad, there is always a struggle to try to overcome.
Im needing more out of life than what I am getting! We are not here long and I need to be able to enjoy it. I am not happy fighting a loosing battle to find happiness, and I know it exist, I have felt it, I just cant hold on to it.
I know for those who read this, if anyone even does, probably think that I am an over dramatic person, but these are very real feelings or maybe the lack of.
I feel as if I continue to dig myself in to the deepest darkest hole ever and I just want someone to drop in a rope ladder, its time to escape this hell and blend in with the rest of society.
People look at me in so many different judgemental ways when they really have no clue that anything is wrong, and if you try to show them it becomes a big joke or is pushed to the side like I am only begging for attention! I can assure you that this is not the case! What I want more than anything is to be looked at like everyone else, maybe that was my fault for trying to let people in that had no buissness knowing anything to start with! "Two people can keep a great secret if on of them is dead" Maybe I need to take my problems to the grave! Its not anyone else's problem anyhow. I DONT KNOW and no one understands! IT DOESNT MATTER!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Im so tired of this!
Only time will tell what the future has in stock!
Monday, August 29, 2011
NO SLEEP
Today is a pretty good day so far even though I only slept for 45 min last night! I am able to still feel good with little sleep sometimes when, like today, I am on a "manic high"! Luckaly the lack of sleep is balancing out the mania and Im making good progress at work today with a farely clean mind, This part is unusual! THIS MORNING I AM FEELING GOOD, and yes, that is worth all caps!
To get back on the subject of no sleep, Unfortianitly, today is rare! Like all other people in the world I need sleep as well. There are many night thats I get very little sleep, if I had to say an average of hours of sleep I get a night I would say it would vary between 3 to 7 hours but like anybody else sometimes I am able to sleep in and then sometimes I will literally be awake all night. What matters the most is my mood more than anything, If I am on one of my highs then the lack of sleep isnt sooooo bad, however if im on a low then the next day is miserable as you would assume it to be!
I do not have a healthy sleeping pattern as you could assume by reading todays blog! I have been reading up on sleeping habbits lately to see what I might can try to help me out. I believe a half way regular sleeping pattern would greatly binifit me and how I feel and help balance my episodes out a bit!
Ok, before I log out today I feel that I need to brag a little about how good I feel this morning because although I do have days like this it will most likely be rare that you will read much about good days, only because I tend to write more on bad days, I guess as a venting method or something Im not sure!
To get back on the subject of no sleep, Unfortianitly, today is rare! Like all other people in the world I need sleep as well. There are many night thats I get very little sleep, if I had to say an average of hours of sleep I get a night I would say it would vary between 3 to 7 hours but like anybody else sometimes I am able to sleep in and then sometimes I will literally be awake all night. What matters the most is my mood more than anything, If I am on one of my highs then the lack of sleep isnt sooooo bad, however if im on a low then the next day is miserable as you would assume it to be!
I do not have a healthy sleeping pattern as you could assume by reading todays blog! I have been reading up on sleeping habbits lately to see what I might can try to help me out. I believe a half way regular sleeping pattern would greatly binifit me and how I feel and help balance my episodes out a bit!
Ok, before I log out today I feel that I need to brag a little about how good I feel this morning because although I do have days like this it will most likely be rare that you will read much about good days, only because I tend to write more on bad days, I guess as a venting method or something Im not sure!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
August 25, 2011
I haven't been blogging like I had originally planned but I am going to make a real effort to start making entries at least 3 times a weak!
As for now I will talk about a current situation that I am going through instead of some journal entries from the past.
Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and I went in thinking it would be like any other. I was wrong! I went in to speak to my doctor about my current medications that once again are doing nothing but making my situations, being physically or mentally, worse. He talked to me while flipping through 3 pages of past medications trying to see what else he might have up his sleeve for me. I was puzzled when he told me "Over the years I have great confidence in myself as a doctor, finding very few people I can not help, However I believe you are one of these few. I have no more meds to try. Your case is very complex and I want you to see another doctor for a second opinion." Then he went on to explain how he believes that I may actually have a combination of illnesses that work in unison. Or possibly something completely different all together! Immediately I felt as if I was kicked square in the nuts. All this time, all this fight, effort, losses, EVERYTHING no longer means anything but waisted time.
On top of this I have just stopped smoking. As any former smoker would know this is a huge challenge in it self, not to mention smoking was more to me than an addictive habit, it was a safety net so to speak. I could always rely on a good smoke to calm my nerves, even if it was only the slightest bit.
To go off subject before I log out for the day, I want to once again say the WHOLE reason for this blog is to share personal experiences, the stuff you cant find in books about BPD. I would also like to reinstate my purpose for sharing is because I want the world to know just like a race, background, or other medical problems BPD can not be help, and I am tired of the ignorance of stereotypes and social stigmas that make me a labeled man!!! DO NOT run from things you do not know about, learn about them, and then embrace what they can offer!
As for now I will talk about a current situation that I am going through instead of some journal entries from the past.
Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and I went in thinking it would be like any other. I was wrong! I went in to speak to my doctor about my current medications that once again are doing nothing but making my situations, being physically or mentally, worse. He talked to me while flipping through 3 pages of past medications trying to see what else he might have up his sleeve for me. I was puzzled when he told me "Over the years I have great confidence in myself as a doctor, finding very few people I can not help, However I believe you are one of these few. I have no more meds to try. Your case is very complex and I want you to see another doctor for a second opinion." Then he went on to explain how he believes that I may actually have a combination of illnesses that work in unison. Or possibly something completely different all together! Immediately I felt as if I was kicked square in the nuts. All this time, all this fight, effort, losses, EVERYTHING no longer means anything but waisted time.
On top of this I have just stopped smoking. As any former smoker would know this is a huge challenge in it self, not to mention smoking was more to me than an addictive habit, it was a safety net so to speak. I could always rely on a good smoke to calm my nerves, even if it was only the slightest bit.
To go off subject before I log out for the day, I want to once again say the WHOLE reason for this blog is to share personal experiences, the stuff you cant find in books about BPD. I would also like to reinstate my purpose for sharing is because I want the world to know just like a race, background, or other medical problems BPD can not be help, and I am tired of the ignorance of stereotypes and social stigmas that make me a labeled man!!! DO NOT run from things you do not know about, learn about them, and then embrace what they can offer!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My blog background
I know I am getting a slow start on my blog, I only have two followers so its not like I am disappointing a lot of people! ha
So since I have just got started I will let you know that I am going to try my best to make every part of this blog having a connection with me. For example, the random background for my blog is one of the backgrounds provided by Blogger but I have chosen it for a reason. I am a forester so I spend A LOT of time in the great outdoors. Since I spend so much time outside I tend to relate and find inspiration in the things that I see in nature!
The background I chose is a running river and reminded me of a "poem" I wrote, and for those of you who know me YES, I said a poem, or at least an attempt at one. It is already on the page but I will also attach a picture that I took while working that seems to kind of illustrate my writing.
So since I have just got started I will let you know that I am going to try my best to make every part of this blog having a connection with me. For example, the random background for my blog is one of the backgrounds provided by Blogger but I have chosen it for a reason. I am a forester so I spend A LOT of time in the great outdoors. Since I spend so much time outside I tend to relate and find inspiration in the things that I see in nature!
The background I chose is a running river and reminded me of a "poem" I wrote, and for those of you who know me YES, I said a poem, or at least an attempt at one. It is already on the page but I will also attach a picture that I took while working that seems to kind of illustrate my writing.
Sand and Stone
Life is wearing me down like a stone in a running river, but I don’t think that I am going to get that polished look, this river is going to leave me in peaces. I will become the sand laying on the bottom having to always look up at those lucky stones who had the chance to become polished, these polished stones are the rest of society. The thing that bothers me is the people who walk by this factious stream are going to pick up those polished stones and take them home to put on a self because they have became beautiful over the years as the stream wore on them. The only thing that happens to the sand is that it gets walked on to get to those beautiful stones, nobody picks up the sand or even looks at it for more than what it is, it’s just sand, its good for nothing and reality it is a nuisance because it sticks to the people who pass by just trying its best to go home with them just to sit on that same shelf with those beautiful stones. The sad thing is that the sand will only make it as far as the car, if its lucky, because the first thing people do is brush it off so it doesn’t bother them any longer. This is not fare, but this is how the river flows and how life goes!
Monday, January 17, 2011
To catch you up!
For those of who do not know me, since this blog is about me dealing with Bipolar Disorder (BPD), you should know that I was ddiagnosed back on August 4th of 2008. Although my diagnoses wasn't made until then, I have had to deal with this my in tire life. I can recall "episodes" all the way back since elementary school but, I just didn't know why things were the way they are! I have kept some what of a journal to help vent and kinda document my "episodes". I will be pulling SOME of those entries and adding them on here to get my blog up and going, I will post the date that they were written as well as a brief description at the beginning if they need to be explained. I have something like 25 pages of entries but a lot of that is things I will not post in here, or at least for now!
I don't know how many people will follow this blog and for what reasons, but I hope if you do it will open your mind a little more and it will help to be less judgemental of others no matter what the difference!
I also hope to receive comments on how you feel about my entries.
Enjoy
I don't know how many people will follow this blog and for what reasons, but I hope if you do it will open your mind a little more and it will help to be less judgemental of others no matter what the difference!
I also hope to receive comments on how you feel about my entries.
Enjoy
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