So today I want to share a bit about how much music means to me, and how it helps me through times of depression.
People who know me personally probably hate that I love music so much. I do not have any musical talent at all, I can not sing well nor play any instrument. I chose to word that carefully and not say "I do not have a musical bone in my body" because that would be a lie. Music hits me to the core. I think because I struggle with BPD and happen to be an emotional person that I can relate to most anything I hear. When I hear a song either for the first time or the thousandth time I not only hear what the artist is saying but, it becomes a very real emotion for me. I literally feel the music inside of me although you can not tell by the way I dance.
Mumford and Sons have become my favorite band as of last September-ish. Marcus Mumford, The lead singer, for those unfamiliar, does more than just sing. He doesnt only sing with those kick ass "rough" vocals that most people hear, he sings from the heart. You can honestly hear the emotion in his voice and for me I can feel this. I had the pleasure to see them live in concert on February 14th, 2013, which was AMAZING, and during half the songs they played I would catch myself tearing up, every time I started to cry I would look up to the "mega tron" to see that Marcus was crying himself. Reflecting back on this, this was truly amazing to me and opened my eyes to how much I actually "feel the music" so to speak. The craziest part is during these songs that he cried in you would not know it by listening to it, never once did his voice break nor was there any other clue to him being emotional. Also I would watch the stage not looking at the big screen where I could actually see faces until after I began to tear up so I didnt see him crying and decide to join. You can see for yourself if you Youtube that performance.
That was just and example of one band that I could explain easily. This happens with most all music genres and artist. Another example, My sister Elizabeth and I were on the way to Potsdam, NY and she puts in a CD wanting me to hear a song, "The Best Deceptions", by: Dashboard Confessional. I had never heard of the band nor had I ever heard any of their music before, however half way through the song she looks over at me and realizes that, Although a good song, it was making me very "down" so she cuts it off. I do not know the name of the singer for this group but within the first minute of the song I was in his place, feeling the pain that he was describing and at the time I could not handle it. To yall it may sound stupid because it was a song that I had no ties to. It was not a "couples song" from a past relationship, It was not a song I played on repeat for a month to help morn the lost of a loved one, I had NO ties to it, It was brand new to me but yet I still could not listen to it in the mood I was in because all the sudden I was feeling his pain.
Now that I have done my best to explain how I feel music I will get to how it helps me. If I am in a depressed state, depending on the situation or how I feel like I may need to handle things I began to flip through my Ipod. Sometimes I know exactly what song I want to hear and others I just put it on shuffle and continue to hit the next button until something strikes my fancy. Now, this is where it gets tricky. Sometimes when I am depressed I need to hear uplifting music, mostly something spiritual like, Ray Bolts, Casting Crowns, Michael W Smith, etc... Something that re-insures my faith and reminds me to turn my faith to God. Sometimes while down I need to hear angry music, Nothing crazy like heavy death metal but for example some of Mumford and Sons music you can hear anger in or anything along those lines, but this doesn't always help either. Sometimes it helps by playing some depressing music, song that are really emotional for me, those ones that where "Our songs" with and ex, or ones that I played the same two songs over and over while morning the loss of a dear friend etc... This can help, most of the time in a really deep depression, just to go ahead and bring the emotions to the surface and let them out, have that "break down" that I have so badly needed for the past however long, Cry until I am gagging from drainage, or my eyes are swollen and I have a horrible headache, SOMETIMES this will snap me right out of whatever I am going through even though I generally try to avoid this.
But as music can greatly help me it can also hurt me and be a trigger sometimes if I am not careful. This does not happen much but at times like that trip to NY with my sister it can. That being said I will brave that risk any day because my love for music is way to strong and again it helps me 99% of the time. With out being able to go hide in the truck and listen to music or drive to a pond in the middle of the night, look at the stars and listen to some great music. Without that freedom I have no clue where I would be today!
